Irrational Shoulds

"Should" statements are recognized to be a major problem in our thought patterns.  The various synonyms we use are equally problematic e.g..:  "must", "ought to" "have to", "got to", "need", etc.  Emotional stress has been considered to be most intense when our expectations are not met.  "Should" statements set us up for unrealistic or unreasonable expectations.  In addition, they are combined with a very unhealthy sense of condemnation or judgement.  It is thought that there are 4 major ways in which we apply should statements. These are thought to be at the root of many emotional problems.  These should statements can be considered themes; we may never think these statements out loud in our mind, but they prevail in directing our thinking, feeling and behavior.  They are tied closely to the notion of perfectionism.  Not perfection in an absolute sense but in a directional sense.  Things should be better, more perfect.  The four major themes are:

1.  I should be perfect!  If not, I am no good, lousy, a failure, loser (or worse).  This theme is thought to be at the root of low self esteem, or self downing.  I am 'less than' only in relation to what I believe I should be - better or closer to perfect.  This theme can be at the root of anxiety (I could fail!!) or depression (it is awful that I did so poorly, or am so lousy).

2.  I should be approved (perfectly) by everyone all the time.  This theme is thought to be the root of social anxiety, approval seeking, fears of rejection and love slobbism.  It can also lead to anxiety (I might not be approved of, by someone I consider important) or depression (I was not loved or approved, I was rejected, which is horrible and means I am no good).

3.  Others should be perfect.  If not, they are horrible, terrible and awful and I become enraged!  This is the root of most anger.

4.  Life should be perfect.  It should be easy (easier).  If not it is too hard and "I just can't stand it".  This should statement theme often leads to frustration, sometimes depression and hopelessness as well as impulse disorders such as addictions.  It has been termed Low Frustration Tolerance, or LFT.

These major themes underlying much of our emotional stress and distress, have been the emphasis of Dr. Albert Ellis, recognized to be a founder, and one of the most influential contributors to the development, of cognitive therapy in past 50 years.  Dr. Ellis recently passed away at the age of 93 after a lengthy illness.

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